Slayin' Genes
by Wepdiggy
Summary: Miranda Lawson was created as the perfect genetic specimen. Little did those around her know that part of that genetic makeup made her one of the "Chosen Ones". Slight Buffyverse x-over. Heavy humor. Male Paragon Shepard/Miranda
1. Miranda the Slayer

_A/N: Okay, first of all, this is a Mass Effect fic. It's my first, so be patient with me. Next, while it's a Mass Effect fic, it's also kinda/sorta a Buffyverse crossover. But not in the most traditional sense. More than likely, you won't see Buffy, or Spike, or Xander, or Willow, or even my beloved Faith in this story. It will probably be ALL ME characters. _

_Also, before anyone mentions it, I KNOW Miranda seems grossly out of character here. Know why? She has to be for this story, haha. But I promise that if you'll hang in there with me, that it will all tie into the Mass Effect story. Promise. Also, hopefully you'll find this entertaining. I know I had a blast writing it. And this is the part where I have to give a big thanks to **MXPW **for some great input on this story. You're the best, dude. Oh, and to **Liam2**, whose **Sarah the Vampire Slayer** was a big influence on this piece.  
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_And finally, for fans of my "Chuck" fics, don't worry. I don't plan on abandoning any of them. This is just something that I really, really wanted to write. And it makes me happy. And when I'm happy, I write more, so everyone wins. Or everyone loses, depending on your point of view, I suppose. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this story, and please review. Thanks!_

_Disclaimer: Don't own Mass Effect, or Buffy. They are the property of Bioware and the great Joss Whedon respectively. Please don't sue!

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**Slayin' Genes chapter 1: Miranda the Slayer**

Okay, so I didn't tell Shepard the _whole_ story. Yeah, he knows about Oriana, and he knows about my father, and he knows that Cerberus gave me shelter when I ran away from home. But that's the easy stuff. And it's not that I like keeping things from him. I truly don't. Not now, anyway. Not after, well I guess there's on other way to put it, not after he screwed my brains out in the engine room. Heh, I _knew_ the upgrades would come in handy when we were rebuilding him.

Anyway, yeah, but like I was saying, even though we shared that moment, he still doesn't know everything about me. He can't. Because as much as I want to tell him, I just can't. And oh, I do want to tell him. I want to be open and honest with him. After all, it's not every day a girl finds the best lay she's ever had. And yeah, I'm probably in love with the asshole. But that's even more the reason I can't tell him. It's too dangerous. For him, and me. For him, because, well, I'm not letting him risk his life when it's not his fight. For me, because if I told him, honestly he'd probably think me some kind of nutcase and shove me out the nearest airlock for the betterment of the crew.

So that's why, while everyone else was partying it up on the Citadel during a little shore leave, I took the opportunity to slip out to a well known local cluster not too far from there. And it was surprisingly easy to get away, too.

Jack and Garrus made it their personal mission to drink Shepard under the table. A foolish challenge if ever there was one.

Thane was being, well, Thane, and doing his whole weird spiritual thing.

Jacob was off moping over losing me to Shepard. Not that I don't understand that on some level. I mean, I'm just being honest when I say that I'm one tremendous piece of ass. Jacob has every right to mope.

I _do _have a sneaking suspicion that Mordin may know about my other life, but if so he's keeping mum on the subject thankfully.

But I tell you all of that to tell you this: getting away was rather easy. A simple "I have a headache, and I'm retiring early tonight" and everyone left me to my own devices, like taking a shuttle and heading to my current location. Yeah, sometimes it pays to be the bitch everyone hates. Well, everyone except Shepard. He loves me, and how could he not after I put it on him like I did? But still, he was respectful enough to give me some room with the only caveat being that my sweet ass belongs to him tomorrow. I have no issue with that, you know, as long as I make it back alive. Which I have little doubt I will. This isn't my first patrol.

But I see I'm getting ahead of myself, so back to my _other_ life. You see, since I was 15, I've known that I had a certain…calling in life. I have certain gifts that not very many, or should I say almost _no_ humans are born with. Another little present from my father, of course, but this is one that provides me with another goal in life. And I'm always up for something that gives me purpose. Makes me feel useful.

Since I turned 15, at least a few times a year, and whenever I'm anywhere close to Earth, I always have to come back here.

Oh, here by the way is what, many years ago, was known as Cleveland, Ohio, United States. Of course, after the formation of one united government on the planet, all previous sovereignties were obliterated in lieu of new local governments, so it's no longer known as Cleveland. But that doesn't change why I'm here. It doesn't change what lurks beneath.

Hah! That sounded rather foreboding, didn't it? Well, it fits, I guess. After all, I am in a cemetery. And well after dark no less. It's around 3 AM local time, to be exact.

Now I know what you're thinking. This merc killing, mech blasting, boyfriend stealing (that's right, Williams!), ass kicking bitch from hell couldn't possibly be afraid of those things that go bump in the night (and I'm not talking about my liaisons with Shepard, because we make a lot more noise than a simple "bump"). Well, you'd be right. Mostly. I'm not afraid. I am, however, waiting.

I'm waiting by the headstone of one Johan Liverwitz. Which, by the way, is probably the single worst name I've ever heard for a human. Poor sonofabitch probably welcomed the release of death after having lived with that horrible moniker for his entire brief and pathetic 21 years.

And I must say, despite the fact that he's dead, he still embodies many of the traits known of the typical 21 year old human. Take, for instance, the fact that I've been waiting on him for four hours now. Oh yeah, I forgot, I didn't tell you why I was waiting.

See, last night, Johan here was attacked by a strange, undead creature. No, it wasn't a husk, though it shared many of the same traits. Like the smell. Actually, Johan encountered a vampire. Finished staring in disbelief yet? Okay, good. Yes, vampires exist, and yes they're a real threat, at least to the humans of Earth.

After all, it's not like the average human is born with a genetic makeup like mine. They don't have my beautiful face, they don't have my perfectly honed tight ass. They don't have my amazing, gravity defying rack. They don't have my intelligence, or the wry sense of humor, and the quips that come with it. But more importantly, they don't have my natural biotic ability, or my…

Shit. Look who finally decided to wake up. The dirt on the grave starts to rumble before a hand reaches up from under the clay and gravel. The being pulls himself up, until finally, a formerly average looking 20-something emerges. I say formally average looking, because now, he's anything but average. And not in a good way. His eyes glow yellow, and there are sharp ridges along his now sloped forehead. Oh, and the fangs. Can't forget the fangs. Heh, he looks kinda like a very attractive Turian. But don't tell Garrus I said that.

"Johan, I presume?" I ask, irritation ripe in my voice.

"Damn, if I knew I'd be waking up to you, I'd have died years ago. Nice rubber suit, by the way. Really shows off your tits," he answers.

God I hate the young. And the dead. And now I'm dealing with both at once.

"You do realize that I'm here to dust you, yeah? You might want to stop staring at my chest."

"Kinda hard when it looks like the girls are trying to reach out and touch me."

I look down at my breasts, and dammit! I really need to invest in some nipple tape if I'm going to keep wearing this ridiculous uniform in such frigid environments.

"It's cold," I say shrugging.

"If you say so. I don't feel all that cold," he answers.

"Well, first of all, you're from here. No doubt you're accustomed to the weather. Oh, and also you're dead, so that helps with not feeling cold, I'd imagine. Maybe. I don't know for sure. Maybe I'll ask my boyfriend later."

"Your boyfriend's a vamp?" he asks.

"No, not that. He's not dead anymore. I brought him back to life."

"Ah. Fair enough," he says. "So, anyway, are we supposed to fight now, or something?"

"Meh, I'm not really in the mood now," I say. Which I'm not. Had he popped up a few hours ago, I'd have gladly given him a little sparring session. You know, just for the workout. But now? I have to get back to the Normandy before anyone realizes I'm gone.

"So what then? You're just going to let me go? You do realize that I have to try to drink you, right?" he asks, affronted by my sudden disinterest.

"Oh, I'm still going to kill you," I say matter-of-factly.

"Huh?" he asks.

And it's the last sound he'll ever make, as before he can utter another word, I pull a wooden stake from behind my back and send it flying towards his heart. He doesn't even have time to react as the projectile buries in his chest. He looks back to me, just for a moment, confused by his sudden predicament. Of course, then his body, first the flesh, then his skeleton, dissolves into dust and blows away with the wind.

And shit! I really need to make sure my next slay doesn't happen up wind. Now I'm going to have to shower before I settle down for the night with my Shepard. Ah well, maybe if he's not too drunk, he can join me. Yeah right, like he's ever "not too drunk".

Oh, and in case you're still wondering, my other genetic gift? I'm the last of the Vampire Slayers.

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**Next time: **All of this starts to make sense in the Mass Effect universe, and things start to get tied to the greater story therein. Promise.

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_A/N: Okay, so there you have it. My first foray into Mass Effect fiction. And Buffy fiction. Kinda. I hope you enjoyed it, and I look forward to your feedback. You guys are awesome. Peace. _


	2. The Revelation

_A/N: Sorry this update took so long, guys. I hope that isn't the trend. I had National Guard drill this weekend, and honestly, that just took all of my time and energy. But that only happens once a month, so should be pretty smooth sailing from here forward. Also, for fans of my **Chuck** fics, please read my profile for a special message about the progress of those stories. _

_Now, a big thank you to everyone that reviewed the first chapter, and also, as always, to **MXPW** for help with planning this chapter. Hopefully it doesn't disappoint, and I look forward to hearing everyone's feedback.

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**Slayin' Genes chapter 2: The Revelation**

So I make it back to the Normandy no worse for wear. Well, other than still having Johan's dust all over me, including down the front of my low cut top. Little shit got what he wanted after all, I guess.

I really thought I'd be able to beat the rest of the crew back to the ship, but from the looks of things, I was sadly mistaken. Not everyone is back on board yet, but Kelly told me that Shepard got in about 30 minutes ago. He was apparently asking for me (and why wouldn't he be?), but he had a female companion, according to Ms. Chambers.

That pisses me off, of course, so I head up to his quarters to investigate. And by investigate, I mean kick the bitch out of Shepard's room, and off the ship, and in the process, mark my territory.

Not that I'm generally a jealous person. Hell, I don't know that I've ever had just one guy in my life. Usually, I have a different man (or occasionally a woman) in every port, and I've always expected that they're using me just like I use them. It's the life of someone that lives on the go. You take what you can get, when you can get it, and that's enough. Besides, I'm too much of a prize for any one man. Unless, of course, than man is Commander Heath Shepard.

He's really the first person I've ever considered worthy of being with me, and that's saying a lot. True, I may not have earned my greatness, but it's mine still the same. So when I say that he's worth getting all of _this_, it really means something, and I'm not letting some two-bit skank encroach on what's rightfully mine.

So imagine my surprise when I stride forcefully through the door to Shepard's room to find him very drunk (not the first time I've seen him like this, and certainly it won't be the last) and being attended to by none other than Ashley Williams, or _Ash_, as I've heard Shepard call her. Haven't seen her since Horizon. Can't say I'm glad to see her again. She was a bitch then, and she's a bitch now, as far as I'm concerned.

"What the hell are you doing on _our_ ship?" I ask the other woman. I made sure to emphasize the word "our", just so she knows that Shepard and I are in this together.

"I think Shepard is capable of deciding who can be here, and who can't," she answers flippantly, not even bothering to look up at me. The bitch.

"Is he?" I ask. "Because clearly, Shepard is about three sheets to the wind at this point. That's not prime decision making condition."

"I'm fine," I hear my man grumble. "Ash, you might want to listen to Miranda. I don't want infighting amongst my crew, and Miranda _is_ my XO. Just go hang out in the CIC until I can get down to show you around the ship, and where you'll be staying. You know, when my room stops spinning."

At first, I smile. Shepard took my side against that harlot. And he's still a great leader, even when he's clearly blitzed. But then, the full gravity of what he said starts to dawn on me. _My crew_. _Where you'll be staying_. He was actually going to allow _her_ to join us? What the fuck?

"What the fuck?" I ask. No sense beating around the bush.

"I'm sorry?" Williams asks, a sly smirk pulling at her lips.

"You're going to let…_her_ join us?" I ask Shepard incredulously, completely ignoring his ex.

"What? I already asked her once. You were there," he says, still lying on his bed, his hand covering his face.

"And? I thought that was the end of it. We didn't need her to defeat the Collectors!"

"No, but we could use the help. This Reaper threat, it's…"

I sigh. "Yeah, I know how big this is. And I know that since we kind of pissed off the Illusive Man –"

"Exactly," he answers. "All the help we can get, Miranda."

"Williams, go wait in the CIC. EDI will guide you for the time being," I say begrudgingly. I really don't like that woman, but if Shepard trusts her, even after how evil she was to him on Horizon, then I'll trust his judgment. As long as she stays out of his bedroom. That's my turf, and mine alone.

After a routine decontamination, and a quick shower (being covered in vamp dust is much like spending any amount of time on Omega. It just makes me feel gross all over.), I saunter back to Shepard's bed, wearing only a lace bra and boy shorts. It was my hope that he'd still be awake to enjoy the scenery, but it looks as though those hopes were in vain.

Ah well, no use crying over spilt milk, as the saying goes. At least he's here now, and when he wakes up, it will be to my glorious body pressed up against him. So in that, my purpose will be served. And if his hangover isn't too bad, maybe we catch a little morning glory. And maybe I turn the comms on and broadcast the audio of our union all over the ship. That would certainly show _Ash_ what's what.

……

So my hopes of waking up to a ripe and ready Heath Shepard went unfulfilled. I didn't even get to wake up with my head still resting in the crook of his neck, my arm thrown over his chest, and his arm securely around my waist, as had been the case when I fell asleep. Instead, I wake up alone, his side of the bed already cold from his absence. I check the bedside clock to see that it's still actually pretty early. What the hell? If he was up to making his rounds this early, he could have at least given me a little jump before he left.

I sigh, and extricate myself from the tangle of covers and sheets. There's a bit of a chill in the room, I notice, but that's probably just because I'm practically naked. Oh, but _someone_ were here to enjoy my state of undress. Unfortunately, that's not the case. So I slip into my spare, white Cerberus uniform that I keep in Shepard's quarters, for when I wake up here, which is pretty much every morning, and make my way to the elevator.

The doors whoosh open when the lift reaches the CIC, and I step out to find Shepard talking to _that woman_. Fortunately, he's not alone with her, Mordin is also involved, and the conversation doesn't look intimate in nature. Good. I'd hate to have to choke a bitch before I even have my morning coffee. Well, I wouldn't actually hate it. It would just be a bit inconvenient.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Shepard, you don't have to tell her. Just leave her, and this whole Cerberus crew behind, join our Alliance team, and we'll take on this threat together. Just like old times," Ashley pleads.

Should have figured that whore would try to weasel Shepard away from me. Didn't take much time, either. Fortunately, the Commander remembers where his bread is buttered. And by that, I mean who he has sex with.

"Miranda is a part of my team now, Ash. More to point, I trust her more than -- well, I trust her implicitly. And she's not Cerberus anymore. She left them, for me. And because she knew they were wrong."

Hah! Take that, bitch.

"Mordin," Shepard says, turning towards the Solarian scientist, "fill Miranda in on what we know."

"Yes, will bring her up to speed," he answers. "New threat. Could be connected to the Reapers. Similar to Collectors, only with a more…intimate connection with humans. More history. Look like humans, for the most part. Could blend in. Do blend in, on Earth for many, many years –"

"Get to the point," I say irritated. "What are we facing?"

"Evil. The Big Bad. Monsters –"

"Vampires," I say in a ghostly voice.

Shit. Guess my secret won't be a secret much longer.

"Shepard, I think I may be able to help more than you realize. There's something I should have told you before…" I pause, swallowing nervously. How will he take this? Will he be mad at me for keeping a secret? Will he still accept me for who I am? Only one way to find out. Luckily, I know this part like the back of my hand. "The prophecy states: Into each generation a Slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers. She is the Slayer."

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**Next Time: **How are vampires involved with the Reapers? The crew will begin their investigation. And also, how will Miranda take having Ashley on board? And how will Ashley interact with the rest of the crew?

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_A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and again, I hope it lived up to expectations. Look forward to all the reviews that I just know you're dieing to leave, heh. You guys are awesome. Peace. _


	3. Arguments and Innuendo

_A/N: See, I didn't take as long as last time, haha. Okay, so this chapter will deal mostly with the fallout from Miranda's revelation to Shepard that she's a Slayer, her jealousy towards Ash, and will delve a little into the larger story. Hopefully it moves it along enough to be worth it. Thanks as always to every that reviewed the last chapter, and to __**MXPW **__as always for some input on where I should be taking this. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter, and please review. Thanks!

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**Slayin' Genes chapter 3: Arguments and Innuendo**

"Vampires?" Shepard asks, his eyes going wide. "Why didn't you just _say_ they were vampires, Mordin?"

The Solarian scientist shrugs.

"And vampires are real?" the Commander asks, turning to me.

I nod in reply. This is kind of what I expected, though hopefully, the he'll move past it so that we can move along with the mission. And our personal life.

"And _you_ kill them? Why didn't you tell me this before?"

Ah, there's the part I was worried about. How do I explain keeping a secret like this from the man that's been my CO for about a year, and more importantly, has been my lover for over a month?

"It just never came up," I say shrugging. And I know it's lame, but I've never been great with words. It's really one of my only weaknesses, now that I think of it, but there it is.

"I just – why wouldn't you tell me?"

And what am I supposed to say now? Well, I guess the truth might work. Or deflection. Yeah, that sounds better, for now.

"You know, Heath," I say in my most sultry voice. "I'd be more than happy to tell you more about it," I pause, leaning in close to him, my hand gently caressing his chest, my lips now at his ear, and I whisper, "in private, of course." Then I nibble on his earlobe just a little. Just for good measure.

I feel him quivering under my touch. And why wouldn't he be? Hell, the mere fact that he's not jizzing in his pants like almost every man alive would be is a sign of his supreme manhood. Or utter homosexuality. I choose to believe it's the former. And that's why I'm so into him. It's nice to have a real man in my life, for once.

But just as quickly as he gave into my touch, he's retreating. Shit. Should have known that wouldn't work.

"No, you need to come clean with me. If for no other reason, than because there seems to be some connection to the Reapers. I'd also like you to tell me what's going on because you want to, because we have feelings for one another, but that's up to you," he says with an expression of hurt clearly on his face as he backs away from me.

Well, now he has me. I have to tell him the truth. He pulled the relationship card, and now that _Ash_ is onboard, I have to take special care to make sure my man stays _my_ man.

"Fine," I huff. "The reason I didn't want to tell you – the reason I _didn't_ tell you about the whole Slayer thing, is because I was worried about what you'd think of me. Well, that's the reason lately, anyway. At first, I just didn't think it was any of your business."

"Any of my business?" he asks incredulously. "I'm the goddamn Commander of this ship, your superior officer, and it's none of my business?"

"No, it's not!" I fume. If he wants to play the anger game, I'll play right along. Then maybe we can have some fantastic makeup sex later. Of course, any sex involving me is bound to be fantastic, but makeup sex will be something new. Might be fun. "It didn't affect the mission; therefore, it wasn't your business. It's like a hobby of mine. We're allowed hobbies, right?"

Unfortunately, Shepard doesn't rise to my baiting. Apparently, he's through with this argument. "Whatever," he grumbles. "Just, do whatever you have to do to find out more about this threat. I'm sure you have some kind of secret contact or something that you don't want to tell me about."

I'd be offended if he wasn't right. I _do_ have a secret contact. It's kind of my job, or at least _was_ my job, as a Cerberus operative to have contacts all over Alliance, Citadel, and Terminus space. Still, I can pretend to be affronted by his accusation, and I do just that as I storm away.

……

I'm working at my console when Shepard comes to visit me. I'm not really focusing on the mission anymore, right this second. At least, not _Shepard's_ mission. This is more of a personal matter. This personal mission, much like Slaying, has been a hobby of mine for some time now. At least it has since the Commander and I became an item.

Not that I'm completely ignoring what needs to be done. I sent out a message to my informant back on Earth, and I'm waiting to hear back from him. But once that was done, I was left with free time, and my other mission, monitoring Shepard's interactions with the other females on the ship via the bugs I still have in place, commenced. Some would call it stalking. I just look at it as protecting my investment.

So far, I've seen Williams shamelessly flirting with him. Luckily, he kind of ignored her. That's a good idea, for him, if he wants her to stay around. I'm pretty sure I could take the bitch, and I wouldn't hesitate to space her.

Of course, the Quarian has been making passes at him since she joined the crew. Nothing's changed there. I was a little worried the one time she grew balls enough to give Shepard an ultimatum: her or me. Well, clearly, he chose me. I also figured out that she was full of shit. She's still trying to get Shepard into that suit of hers. With any luck, she'll continue to fail miserably.

I suspect Jack would like a piece of my guy, too, but it's hard to tell from their interactions. Jack is very forward, and flippant about sex. But most of the time, I get the feeling that she's not honestly trying to make a play. That said, I have no doubt she'd sleep with him, if only to piss me off. So I'll keep my eye on her, as well.

I'm just queuing up what I have on Kelly Chambers (who I consider my second most serious threat) when the doors to my office open, and I see Shepard making his way to my desk.

Before he can see what I'm doing, I click out of my video feed and pull up a random document I had opened and minimized.

"Any luck getting in touch with your guy?" he asks.

"Not yet. I've sent him a couple of messages, but nothing back so far," I answer honestly.

"Listen, Miranda," he begins.

Guess he wants to talk about personal stuff. I have no issue with that. I'm bored, and if he wants to get personal, I'm game. hell, we can get _very _personal, right here on my desk. I've been wanting to do that for some time now, anyway.

"I just – I don't want you to feel threatened by Ash," he says, softer than usual.

And while I appreciate the fact that he's trying to look out for my feelings, I don't really need him coddling me. I'm a big girl. Hell, I'm six years older than him. I've been around the block, seen my share of heartbreak. Of course, most of the heartbreaking was done by me, but still I've seen it. I don't need to be handled with kid gloves.

"I'm not threatened by her," I say sternly. "I'm just letting her know where she stands, where you stand, and where I stand. And I may let her know that you generally stand behind me. While I'm bent over –"

"That's enough, Miranda, I got it," Shepard says blushing.

Always makes me happy when I can get that kind of reaction from him. So I decide to push it further.

"Oh, you can _get_ it. Want to _get it_ right now?" I purr, using my most seductive tone of voice.

He sighs. "Not now, Miranda, I've got work to do. Maybe another time," he says.

Shit. That's exactly how I used to always blow him off. I hate when my own words come back to bite me in the perfect, shapely ass.

But just as the Commander is walking out of my office, a message comes through to my terminal. Ah, so he got my message. Good. I open it, and begin to read.

_Miri,_

_It's Angel. I got your message…

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**Next time: **So finally a familiar face from the Buffy/Angelverse pops up. What will Angel have to tell the crew of the Normandy? Will he know of the Reapers' plans? Could he potentially be involved? Nah, not Angel.

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_A/N: So I'm happy that I could finally integrate more Buffy stuff into the fic. I hope that becomes a trend, though I don't anticipate making any Buffy character a full time cast member of this story. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it, and I look forward to your feedback. You guys are awesome. Peace._


	4. The Bloody Meeting

_A/N: Bet you thought I forgot about this story, huh? Can't blame you if you did. Hell, I can't blame you it YOU forgot about this story, haha. But I'm stuck on the major Chuck serial I'm working on, and I'm Adorable Psycho'd out, so I though, "Hey, why not work on Slayin' Genes?" So, I did just that. I worked on Slayin' Genes. And I turned out a chapter in no time. Forgot how easy this story could be to write, though maybe that's a sign that this chapter blows, who knows? Heh, anyway, I finally get a Buffyverse character involved in this chapter. But it's not the one you thought, I think. Maybe at some point, I should re-categorize this one as a true crossover. It's something to think about. But until then, this will stay a Mass Effect fic, with slaying. Anyway, enough rambling for now. Sorry for the wait, and hope you guys dig the chapter, and thanks for reading!

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**Slayin' Genes Chapter 4: The Bloody Meeting **

Ah, Earth. Seems like I was just here. Mostly because I was, only two nights ago.

Still, it's different this time. It's not just me now, Shepard is with me. And he brought that whore-bag Ashley Williams with him, for some gods forsaken reason. But that's fine. Ashley or not, I'll steal Shepard away to a dark corner and make a man out of him. Oh, sorry, he already _is_ a man. Still, the sex will be fantastic, and Ash can only wait. Or watch, if she's into that sort of thing. I don't really care.

But that will have to wait, as Angel is scheduled to meet with us any minute. In fact, he was scheduled to be here minutes _ago_. Leave it to a vampire with a soul to try to make a dramatic entrance.

Then I smell him approaching. Nothing like the stench of a vampire to make my Slayer senses go into overdrive. I know Angel's one of the good guy, but dammit all I just want to stake his pretty boy ass whenever we're in the same room together.

Only, when he emerges from the light, it's not Angel. No, it's worse, in fact. Talk about wanting to stake someone…

"Miranda, love, long time no shag," says a cocky British accent.

"Long time as in ever, Spike?" I ask.

"Getting forgetful in your old age, are you?"

"_I'm _old?" I ask, affronted.

"For a living human, you're getting up there," Spike answers. God I hate him sometimes. Most times, in fact. "And your memory is clearly showing it if you can't recall our last encounter."

"You mean the time I told you to keep your undead libido as far away from me as possible, or I'd cut it off?"

"You have your story, I have mine," he says flippantly.

"So this is Angel?" Shepard asks, mercifully joining the conversation.

"Bite your tongue, you tit," Spike spits.

"This is Spike," I explain. Then I turn to the platinum blonde vamp. "And if you ever talk like that to my man again, I'll be sweeping you up in a dust pan."

"Relax gorgeous, only making conversation," Spike says, hands raised in defense.

"Still the same, this is my guy, savior of the galaxy twice over, Commander Heath Shepard," I say. "And just where the hell _is_ Angel? I was to understand he would be meeting us."

"Oh, you know how the grand poof is. Here today, chasing a ridiculous prophecy tomorrow."

"You two still haven't given up on that bloody fable?" I ask, a smirk forming on my face. "Oh, you undead boys and your little stories…"

"Anyway," Spike says, clearing his throat. "He was caught up with some rubbish, so he sent me."

"Fine, whatever," I say. "So you're to tell us about the Reaper connection to vampires, yeah?"

"Maybe," Spike answers. "But first, who's this fine piece of woman you have with you?"

Ashley. As much as I hate her, I can't be so cruel as to force Spike on her. Well, that's a lie. I could very easily be that cruel. In fact, the thought crosses my mind. But we hardly have the time. Although, I _could_ take Shepard away to have my way with him while Spike does unspeakable things to Ash in the name of "securing the intel" from him. Nah, maybe another time.

"She's not a Slayer, and she's not dead. She's hardly your type, Spike," I say.

"I could make an exception…"

"Except that I'm on a schedule." What I don't say aloud is that my "scheduled" event involves Shepard, me, no clothing, and things that are illegal on most planets. But I'll let their imagination go, on that one. "So tell me what Angel said, and then we'll be off."

"You're no fun," Spike grumbles. "What happened to the Miranda Lawson I used to know? The one that once, in Melbourne—"

"You finish that story, I'll drink _you_," I threaten. And it works. Spike stops talking. I do love intimidating people, both alive and otherwise.

"Fine, use me and leave," he pouts.

"That's the idea," I say.

* * *

"So the situation is as dire as we'd feared," Shepard spoke to the crew, amassed in the comm. Room of the ship.

I love when he takes charge like this. Shepard in full-on commander mode gets me all hot under the collar. And by "under the collar", I mean in my panties. I'll have to scratch that particular itch after this meeting adjourns. And there were no interpersonal relations between us last night, so I have a lot of scratching to do.

"These vampires are very much like the husks we've faced before, only they're smarter, and harder to kill."

Shepard unveils some new weaponry for the crew, causing a buzz to permeate the room. No one seems willing to speak up, until Jack steps forward. Should've figured that crazy bitch would be the one to address the doubts I'm sure everyone on the crew has.

"What the fuck, Shepard? Wooden stakes? I mean, going medieval on their ass is supposed to just be an expression, right?" the tattooed slut asks.

"I'm not saying that our current weapons are useless—"

"But our current weapons are useless," I add, cutting Shepard off. "I've been fighting these sons of bitches since I was a teen—"

"So some time during the twenty-first century then?" Ashley asks with a smirk.

Seriously? That bitch was going to make an age joke? What the fuck? Maybe I should make a small boobs and flabby ass joke about her. Nah, I'll let the sex I'm currently having with Shepard-the man I know she wants-every night do my talking for me. Whore.

"Anyway, the only ways to kill a vampire are, stake through the heart, decapitation, incineration, holy water, which is hard to come by now, or direct sun-light in the Milkey Way Galaxy. And this new breed of vampire seems resistant to even some of those methods, but a stake through the heart works every time," I say, ignoring Ashley's earlier barb. Look at me, being all mature and stuff. Although, I wouldn't have minded having Shepard "punish" me for getting into it with Ash. Maybe I'll save that for later.

"So we're going out to fight the scum of the universe armed with—wood?" Garrus asks. He's clearly not a fan of that plan. Luckily, that's not what we're saying.

"No, that's not it," Shepard says. "You'll still arm yourselves just like normal. Just make sure you have a stake with you."

"I like the idea of decapitation," Jack says. "Nothing like watching a head roll off."

"First you got to get to the head," Shepard answers. "And frankly, from what our informant told us, these mother fuckers aren't going to let that happen so easily."

"In short," I add, "we're dealing with the baddest of the big bad the universe has ever seen."

Shepard and I step out of the room to let this new information sink in with the crew. Well, to be fair, he stepped out of the room first, and I followed. After all, Super Vamps or not, I plan on having Shepard stake me somewhere far south of my heart, again and again, and soon.

Did I mention that talk of slaying gets me a bit horny? No? Well, it does, and now I have business to attend to.

* * *

_A/N: So that's it for now. I'll try not to take so long in the future, haha. Hope you guys liked it, and I can't wait to hear your feedback. You guys are awesome. Peace. _


	5. Can You Guess My Age?

_A/N: Hello people! So you may be asking youself, "Wep! Where have you been?" Or not. But in case you were, here's the short version: I recently moved half-way across the country, and now reside in the Chicago-land area. I'm quite enjoying it so far, but needless to say, writing has been far from my mind, what with a new home, new environment, new job, etc. But someone recently went through (Daywalker, I'm looking at you…and thanks) and reviewed every chapter of this story, and then the cat decided I needed to wake up at 3:15 AM CST, so I thought, "hey, why not write a bit?" Now, I haven't written anything in months. Like, nothing. So this is, well, it may not be my best. I'm a bit rusty, after all. But hopefully you'll still find some enjoyment in all of this. And also, you'll hopefully enjoy the new direction I'm taking this story, after including my new obsession fandom. So, let me know what you think, and hopefully, it won't be as long before you hear from me again!_

* * *

**Slayin' Genes: Chapter 5 Can You Guess My Age?**

_The fuck was that?_

Jack was the one that said it, but everyone was thinking it. Including me. But I couldn't exactly just say that. Admitting ignorance, when I'm supposed to be the expert in our party wouldn't exactly make me look good. And if there's one thing I know, it's how to look good. Hell, no one looks better than me. So I lie.

"That was a demon, no doubt in league with these new super-vamps Spike told us about."

And goddamit, no one seemed to believe me. They were all, "Hey, it sounds like you're making that up." I would've been offended, if they weren't so dead on. Still, I couldn't give them the satisfaction of admitting that I had no clue what the creature we'd just encountered was. There's only one member of our crew that I have any intention of giving any satisfaction. I don't think I need to elaborate anymore than that.

Anyway, so finally I budged, just a bit. I decided to do some research. And by "research," I mean getting in touch with Dr. T'Soni. After all, what's the use of putting someone into power as the Shadow Broker if you can't take advantage of it? Not that I would ever let Shepard know I'm in contact with another former flame of his. And mine. What? She's a sweet girl. And a fantastic lay. But we'll keep that between us, yeah? I've got a "human-only" rep to protect.

Anyway, so yeah, I found out about these creatures. And after doing that, I almost wished I hadn't.

Pillow talk isn't supposed to revolve around ancient and evil creatures, but when you sleep with the savior of the galaxy, you make certain concessions. And that's a small one, compared to the immense (and I do mean immense) pleasure I receive from my union with Shepard.

"So, what you're telling me is, those things we saw, they _weren't_ the super-vampires?"

"Um, no, and that's why the stakes didn't work," I say as I lightly nuzzle his naked chest.

"And they're not demons?"

"Well, not exactly," I admit. "Although they _are_ under the control of one badass demon. Those things are like the husk army of the demon."

"And they're called dark…"

"Darkspawn," I finish for him.

"And this demon…"

"The archdemon," I supply.

"And you've never seen one of these before?" he asks me, pulling away from my vice-like grip around his midsection.

"Well, no," I say, shrugging. "Didn't even know it existed. But that's one of the fun parts of being a Slayer."

"You think this is fun?" he asks.

I sigh. "See, this is why I don't make jokes. They never go over well."

But honestly, I'm not that worried about being funny. There are plenty of other things I do well. Like this thing I'm going to do to Shepard with my tongue in, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6…

* * *

"So this _thing_…"

"Archdemon," I say in response to Williams' unfinished question.

I really hate having to repeat myself. I've already debriefed Shepard. Heh, and I told him about the archdemon, too. Damn, see, why can't I be all witty like that when I'm talking to people? Eh, no matter. Although it would save me a lot of time if I could just show the crew a video of me telling Shepard about our new enemy. And for kicks, we could all watch the events that happened both before, and after that exchange of information. You know, for their entertainment. And mine, when Williams had to watch Shepard with a _real_ woman.

"And this archdemon has some connection to the reapers?"

Ah, Jacob. Always so focused on the mission. That made him a rather enjoyable lover, when his most important mission was my pleasure. Had he not been such a girl about his feelings and crap, I may have kept use of him. You know, until I found Shepard.

"Well, from what little we've been able to gather from Spike, and then from—"

I pause. It wouldn't do to mention Liara's name. I don't want someone else taking credit for my "research."

"From my sources," I quickly add. "Yes, they're all connected to the Reapers. As to how—"

"As to how, it doesn't matter," Shepard steps in. Good, they listen to him more, anyway. "There's a possible connection to the reapers, and Earth will be its base of operations. This could be the beginning of the move we've feared for some time."

"So how do we kill this mother fucker?"

Jack's always so to the point. If she wasn't such an unholy cunt, I might like her. But a leopard can't change its spots.

"That's the tricky part," I admit. "Historically, only those infected with the taint of the darkspawn can kill the demon."

"So what? We all bang a darkspawn?"

Well, you know, I bet no one ever considered doing it _that_ way before. Still, no. "Not quite," I say, answering Jack's crude, but fair question. "We would have to drink its blood."

Yeah, that part made everyone in the room look a bit queasy. Except Grunt. But krogan's drink ryncol, so it's not like they have any great sense of taste, I guess.

"Please tell me we have another option," Tali begs.

"We have another option," Mordin answers.

Which is followed by a huge sigh of relief. Oh but wait, they haven't heard the best part.

"Still may be lethal, however."

Groan. Well, not from me. I already knew that part.

"Fuck, Shepard. _Another_ suicide mission?" Jack says. "You just don't know when to quit, do you?"

And for the sake of crew unity, I'll leave out the part where my superior genetics, and Shepard's enhancements (thank you me, for thinking of everything) make us immune from succumbing to the taint. What? You thought I'd give up nearly a decade of my grotesquely long expected lifespan to fight some dragon? Fat chance.

"It's a simple call," I say instead. "We can all have 25 to 30 years left, or we can have a few months when the reapers wipe us all off the face of the galaxy. Your call."

With that, I turn on my heel and march from the room. Gods, I feel powerful right now. And when I feel powerful…

You guessed it. I'm already stripping out of my cat suit on the elevator up to Shepard's cabin. Saving humanity (and the other races, I guess) really gets my motor running, it seems.

* * *

_A/N: Yeeeeah, I couldn't resist throwing in a little Dragon Age. I think that, eventually, if I mix in enough fandoms, I may dilute the story enough that no one can tell that I suck. Heh. Just kidding, of course. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it, and please let me know what you think. You guys are awesome. Peace. _


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